Ooh, a Jaime POV chapter. This should be informative!
The last time we saw Jaime he was being given booze and questioned by a grieving Catelyn who seemed to get exasperated with his answers before telling Brienne to bring her sword, which did not bode well for Jaime.
It turns out that the sword was merely used to threaten him into promising to persuade Tyrion to release Sansa and Arya before releasing him. And so Jaime finds himself on a boat with Brienne and Ser Cleos (who spends his days travelling between King's Landing and Riverrun carrying messages negotiating between Robb and Tyrion) and being chased by Ser Robin Ryger who is under orders of the Castellan of Riverrun to bring Jaime back, dead or alive, since Catelyn presumably didn't clear this scheme with the proper authorities.
There is some good banter, amidst which Jaime uses the tactic of smiling knowingly, because "men will read all sorts of things into a knowing smile, if you let them", which I must remember to find an opportunity to try.
Anyway, Brienne manages to save Jaime with some superhuman feat of scaling a cliff and hurling a boulder at Robin's boat.
And so I am reminded of an essay by John C Wright about how to write female characters. GRRM seems to be trying it all. One thing you can do is write a male character who is physically strong and good at violence and give him a woman's name: Brienne. Another approach is to realise that there is strength in femininity and have your women characters solve problems by way of diplomacy, compromise and reconciliation, which is embodied by Catelyn, who previously tried to get Renly and Stannis to shake hands and is now attempting to break a deadlock by trusting the honour of Jaime Lannister to save her daughters. I actually think there is a chance that might work, or is at least as likely to as any other possible scheme at this point.
Oh, and we now know for certain that Jaime was not behind the knife attack on Bran. He is as confused about that as anyone. It could be Cersei but Jaime thinks that would not quite be in character for her, and he would know. My current pet theory is that it is a friend of Bran's who thought he would be better off dead. Maester Luwin would be a possibility except he's now dead and such a reveal would not be dramatic enough. So which Stark could it have been?
Wednesday 31 October 2018
ASoS Prologue
Former steward to Sam Tarly's boss, animal lover and incel Chett, is organising a rebellion against and escape from the watch on account of he thinks he's on the losing side. He reckons he can do away with old Craster and have his wives and daughters (same people).
In between kicking dogs and taunting Sam Tarly, he makes sure his merry band know who they are supposed to be killing and when, and waits for the third watch. Except it snows, which ruins all his chances of escape because it's really easy to follow people in the snow. So he goes to kill Tarly anyway in what seems like a pointlessly self-destructive act. But he's saved from his foolishness when three blasts of the horn sound and Tarly wakes up. But three blasts means Others, so he might well be dead anyway, and in a much scarier way than he'd expected. So he wets himself.
Ah, that chapter had a little bit of everything. Good to see GRRM is still on form!
In between kicking dogs and taunting Sam Tarly, he makes sure his merry band know who they are supposed to be killing and when, and waits for the third watch. Except it snows, which ruins all his chances of escape because it's really easy to follow people in the snow. So he goes to kill Tarly anyway in what seems like a pointlessly self-destructive act. But he's saved from his foolishness when three blasts of the horn sound and Tarly wakes up. But three blasts means Others, so he might well be dead anyway, and in a much scarier way than he'd expected. So he wets himself.
Ah, that chapter had a little bit of everything. Good to see GRRM is still on form!
Tuesday 23 October 2018
ACoK Summary
The first book, A Game of Thrones, established the world order. King Robert was the king and Ned and his lovely family lived happily at Winterfell and the seven kingdoms were at peace. Then Cersei and Jaime had to fuck everything up by arranging the death of Robert. Everyone was sufficiently suspicious and annoyed by this that they all had different ideas about who should be king. And so instead of working hard in the fields and storing extra food for the upcoming decade-long winter, they decided to burn all the fields and kill all the healthy young men in battles.
When we started out in A Clash of Kings, there were four kings: Joffrey of course; Robb who was declared King in the North; Stannis who probably should be the king, and Renly who seemed to come out of nowhere.
Stannis saw off Renly. The Lannisters saw off Stannis (at least for now; we're not quite sure what happened to him after the battle). Robb won some minor battles but I think he has some big battles still to come.
Meanwhile Sansa no longer has to give Joffrey heirs, but she might have to give him bastards. Arya had a great adventure escaping from King's Landing with Yoren and ending up as Bolton's maid. But Bolton's bastard has burned Winterfell and is presumably ravaging the north in general for some reason or other. Arya has escaped and is now heading for Riverrun.
Theon forsook the Starks and mainly managed to help Bolton's bastard and otherwise spread misery.
Jon went out on a great ranging and discovered quite a lot about what the wildlings are up to, such as that they were searching for something but are now heading south. He's going undercover to find out more. But I'm worried that he'll go so deep undercover that neither he nor anyone else will know if he is wildling or watchman.
Bran had a bit of a go at being lord of Winterfell but ended up on the run and will probably have an adventure a bit like Arya's, as will Osha and Rickon.
The other forces of Winterfell are around somewhere. I expect they will help Robb but I also expect it will be a long time before he gets home.
Catelyn tried to stop Renly and Stannis from fighting but has ended up largely forgotten at Riverrun. All that fending off Tywin Lannister was probably for nothing since they turned up unexpectedly at King's Landing instead. In fact I wonder if the whole Riverrun thing was just a feint.
Jaime Lannister spent the whole book in a dungeon. He was almost rescued by Tyrion; he might have been killed by Catelyn.
Tyrion pretty much ensured the battle at King's Landing was won, but I suspect he won't receive any thanks for it. Everyone is either annoyed about the fires, wants to kill him, or has failed to notice what he has done.
And Dany trekked across the desert, had some adventures, and his now heading back with her dragons and some Dothraki to Westeros, or wherever Ilyrio wants her to go.
This has been the traditionally depressing middle book of the trilogy and I am sure that in the third part, good will prevail over evil and everyone will live happily ever after.
Who will end up on the throne? Arya is sufficiently badass to become the first Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. Or it might be Dany. Bran has superpowers that would be very useful for a king, or possibly a hand. Or he might be Varys: The Next Generation. It can't be a Lannister, surely, or else why bother with all these novels? And it had better not be a Greyjoy or a Bolton. Personally I think the best possible king would be Hodor.
When we started out in A Clash of Kings, there were four kings: Joffrey of course; Robb who was declared King in the North; Stannis who probably should be the king, and Renly who seemed to come out of nowhere.
Stannis saw off Renly. The Lannisters saw off Stannis (at least for now; we're not quite sure what happened to him after the battle). Robb won some minor battles but I think he has some big battles still to come.
Meanwhile Sansa no longer has to give Joffrey heirs, but she might have to give him bastards. Arya had a great adventure escaping from King's Landing with Yoren and ending up as Bolton's maid. But Bolton's bastard has burned Winterfell and is presumably ravaging the north in general for some reason or other. Arya has escaped and is now heading for Riverrun.
Theon forsook the Starks and mainly managed to help Bolton's bastard and otherwise spread misery.
Jon went out on a great ranging and discovered quite a lot about what the wildlings are up to, such as that they were searching for something but are now heading south. He's going undercover to find out more. But I'm worried that he'll go so deep undercover that neither he nor anyone else will know if he is wildling or watchman.
Bran had a bit of a go at being lord of Winterfell but ended up on the run and will probably have an adventure a bit like Arya's, as will Osha and Rickon.
The other forces of Winterfell are around somewhere. I expect they will help Robb but I also expect it will be a long time before he gets home.
Catelyn tried to stop Renly and Stannis from fighting but has ended up largely forgotten at Riverrun. All that fending off Tywin Lannister was probably for nothing since they turned up unexpectedly at King's Landing instead. In fact I wonder if the whole Riverrun thing was just a feint.
Jaime Lannister spent the whole book in a dungeon. He was almost rescued by Tyrion; he might have been killed by Catelyn.
Tyrion pretty much ensured the battle at King's Landing was won, but I suspect he won't receive any thanks for it. Everyone is either annoyed about the fires, wants to kill him, or has failed to notice what he has done.
And Dany trekked across the desert, had some adventures, and his now heading back with her dragons and some Dothraki to Westeros, or wherever Ilyrio wants her to go.
This has been the traditionally depressing middle book of the trilogy and I am sure that in the third part, good will prevail over evil and everyone will live happily ever after.
Who will end up on the throne? Arya is sufficiently badass to become the first Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. Or it might be Dany. Bran has superpowers that would be very useful for a king, or possibly a hand. Or he might be Varys: The Next Generation. It can't be a Lannister, surely, or else why bother with all these novels? And it had better not be a Greyjoy or a Bolton. Personally I think the best possible king would be Hodor.
ACoK 69: Bran 862
Finally we find out what Bran has been up to all this time: hiding out in the crypt with Osha, Hodor, Rickon, Meera and Jojen. Apparently they just made some false tracks to the woods, send the wolves on to make more tracks (which Theon wasted his afternoon trying to follow before killing the Miller and his family in exasperation) and then doubled back to hide in the last place anyone would look, right underneath Winterfell.
Bran can mind-meld with his wolf at will now, and like a virtual reality addict or a kid who can't stop playing Fortnite, needs to be reminded to eat and go to the toilet. He learns that Winterfell has been burned, so they make their way out of a crypt with a brief dramatic interlude while we find out whether or not Hodor can open door with rocks jammed against it.
We get direct confirmation that it was Bran who helped Jon, though Bran is not sure how and whether he really did that.
Everyone is dead except for Maester Luwin, who advises them to split up just before he dies (with a helping hand from Osha) but is a little unclear on where they should go since war is everywhere. Osha and Rickon head east and along the kingsroad (maybe they will make it to Riverrun), while Bran, Meera and Jojen head north. I'm not sure where they might end up. The wall?
Bran can mind-meld with his wolf at will now, and like a virtual reality addict or a kid who can't stop playing Fortnite, needs to be reminded to eat and go to the toilet. He learns that Winterfell has been burned, so they make their way out of a crypt with a brief dramatic interlude while we find out whether or not Hodor can open door with rocks jammed against it.
We get direct confirmation that it was Bran who helped Jon, though Bran is not sure how and whether he really did that.
Everyone is dead except for Maester Luwin, who advises them to split up just before he dies (with a helping hand from Osha) but is a little unclear on where they should go since war is everywhere. Osha and Rickon head east and along the kingsroad (maybe they will make it to Riverrun), while Bran, Meera and Jojen head north. I'm not sure where they might end up. The wall?
ACoK 68: Jon 850
Everyone is dead except for Jon and Qhorin, who cooks up a scheme to send Jon undercover. They try to escape through caves but that eagle seems to know where they are going and leads the wildlings to them. Sure enough, Jon pretends to yield, and Qhorin orders Jon to kill him to make the whole thing look more realistic. That's some hardcore badassery right there.
The wildlings still might not believe in this defection but Ygritte, the girl Jon freed, is there and she vouches for him.
Jon thinks they might return north to the mountains, but the wildlings are heading south. Those silly kings should have listened to the Night's Watch, I think!
The wildlings still might not believe in this defection but Ygritte, the girl Jon freed, is there and she vouches for him.
Jon thinks they might return north to the mountains, but the wildlings are heading south. Those silly kings should have listened to the Night's Watch, I think!
ACoK 67: Tyrion 840
Tyrion wakes up and finds out that he's injured and no longer the hand. He remembers that Ser Mandon tried to kill him, and finds out that Pod saved him and killed Ser Mandon. Tyrion is suspicious of his sister, who he thinks may have set Mandon on him, and who might yet poison him. I'm not sure Cersei would be that direct. But it's all a mystery for now.
I'm trying to remember who Mandon is. GRRM has a way of making previously minor characters suddenly very important. You have to pay attention...or use the search feature. Sansa noticed Mandon had strange dead eyes back when she was comparing who she'd rather be lead around by; Mandon was the one who was guarding Cersei and whom Tyrion had to overrule to visit her (I'm not sure that would have annoyed him enough to want to kill Tyrion), and on that occasion Tyrion also noticed his lifeless eyes; Mandon was involved in rescuing Joffrey from the crowd on the way back from seeing Myrcella onto a ship; and he rode out of the postern door alongside Tyrion in the final battle.
Hmm, he seems to hang around working for Cersei, but no other clues there, apart from those lifeless eyes, whatever that might mean.
I'm trying to remember who Mandon is. GRRM has a way of making previously minor characters suddenly very important. You have to pay attention...or use the search feature. Sansa noticed Mandon had strange dead eyes back when she was comparing who she'd rather be lead around by; Mandon was the one who was guarding Cersei and whom Tyrion had to overrule to visit her (I'm not sure that would have annoyed him enough to want to kill Tyrion), and on that occasion Tyrion also noticed his lifeless eyes; Mandon was involved in rescuing Joffrey from the crowd on the way back from seeing Myrcella onto a ship; and he rode out of the postern door alongside Tyrion in the final battle.
Hmm, he seems to hang around working for Cersei, but no other clues there, apart from those lifeless eyes, whatever that might mean.
Thursday 18 October 2018
ACoK 66: Theon 827
Oh Theon, you utter nincompoop. The general advice is that he's lost. Various northmen armies are assembling outside the walls and Theon has 17 men to defend Winterfell with. He should probably just surrender, but that would be too easy.
So he threatens to hang Ser Rodrick's only daughter unless he calls off the attack. But Rodrick is duty-bound to attack. What a dilemma. Theon gives him until midnight but it's pretty obvious that whether he hangs the girl or not, he's getting attacked, and since everyone hates him, he's getting killed.
Maester Luwin suggests he take the black, which doesn't seem like a bad idea to Theon. Seems like a bit of an easy escape route to me.
But then, just in the nick of time, Rescue! Rodrick and all his men get attacked by some mystery force bearing the tasteful flayed man banner. I think that is the Boltons' banner. They come through the gate, and we learn that the rescuers are led by none other than...
...Reek. To be honest at this point GRRM is getting a bit predictable: the badder the character, the less likely it is that bad things will happen to them. Theon is pretty bad, therefore he survives thanks to his smelly servant.
Except he's not smelly any more and he has nice armour. That's because he's really the Bastard of Bolton, aka Ramsay Snow, now calling himself Bolton. He was supposed to have been killed for mistreating his wife many chapters back, but it turns out he swapped identities with a servant to escape being hanged. Not the most honourable man is our Ramsay, he won the battle outside Winterfell by pretending to be Rodrick's friend: shook his hand then chopped his arm off.
And here he is being all friendly to Theon, who isn't smart enough to figure it out in time... So that's the problem with being a baddie in ASoIaF: it's no guarantee that good things will happen to you because an even badder baddie might come along at any minute.
So he threatens to hang Ser Rodrick's only daughter unless he calls off the attack. But Rodrick is duty-bound to attack. What a dilemma. Theon gives him until midnight but it's pretty obvious that whether he hangs the girl or not, he's getting attacked, and since everyone hates him, he's getting killed.
Maester Luwin suggests he take the black, which doesn't seem like a bad idea to Theon. Seems like a bit of an easy escape route to me.
But then, just in the nick of time, Rescue! Rodrick and all his men get attacked by some mystery force bearing the tasteful flayed man banner. I think that is the Boltons' banner. They come through the gate, and we learn that the rescuers are led by none other than...
...Reek. To be honest at this point GRRM is getting a bit predictable: the badder the character, the less likely it is that bad things will happen to them. Theon is pretty bad, therefore he survives thanks to his smelly servant.
Except he's not smelly any more and he has nice armour. That's because he's really the Bastard of Bolton, aka Ramsay Snow, now calling himself Bolton. He was supposed to have been killed for mistreating his wife many chapters back, but it turns out he swapped identities with a servant to escape being hanged. Not the most honourable man is our Ramsay, he won the battle outside Winterfell by pretending to be Rodrick's friend: shook his hand then chopped his arm off.
And here he is being all friendly to Theon, who isn't smart enough to figure it out in time... So that's the problem with being a baddie in ASoIaF: it's no guarantee that good things will happen to you because an even badder baddie might come along at any minute.
Wednesday 17 October 2018
ACoK 65: Sansa 817
It occurs to me that Sansa is the only one who hasn't got the memo about Bran and Rickon's "demise". Anyway, she goes to the great hall along with all the other nobility for the great reckoning after the battle, where all the knighthood and lordships are handed out.
The Flower Knight Loras Tyrell becomes a kings guard. Various other people are awarded lands or places on the council.
Ooh, rather importantly, Tywin arrives and takes his place as Hand. I'm not sure what that means for Tyrion, but he's currently out of action with a head injury anyway. There's no mention of Pod.
Ser Garlan Tyrell asks Joffrey to marry his daughter, Margaery (who was previously married to the dead Renly (we still don't know who the new Renly is, and he's not been mentioned so maybe it was all just the ravings of Dontos)). Joffrey pretends to protest that he is betrothed to Sansa but everyone makes excuses for him and he agrees to marry Margaery. Sansa is over the moon at this, but later Dontos points out that Joff probably wants to use her for making bastards anyway. Does Sansa ever learn?
Littlefinger turns up and, for his part in getting the Tyrells onside, is awarded Harrenhal, even though the Lannisters don't actually have it yet to give.
Captives from the battle are given to the chance beg for mercy but one of them has a rant about Joffrey being born from incest and not being the true king. He's so wound up by this he manages to cut himself on the sharp bits of the throne. Which makes him look like not the true king. And crying for mummy in front of everyone is not very regal, either. Oh dear.
Sansa sneaks off to the godswood and Dontos tells her he has planned her escape for the night of Joffrey's wedding, when everyone will be distracted. Which sounds like a half-sensible plan. He also gives her a weird +1 Magical Hairnet of Retribution. Or something.
The Flower Knight Loras Tyrell becomes a kings guard. Various other people are awarded lands or places on the council.
Ooh, rather importantly, Tywin arrives and takes his place as Hand. I'm not sure what that means for Tyrion, but he's currently out of action with a head injury anyway. There's no mention of Pod.
Ser Garlan Tyrell asks Joffrey to marry his daughter, Margaery (who was previously married to the dead Renly (we still don't know who the new Renly is, and he's not been mentioned so maybe it was all just the ravings of Dontos)). Joffrey pretends to protest that he is betrothed to Sansa but everyone makes excuses for him and he agrees to marry Margaery. Sansa is over the moon at this, but later Dontos points out that Joff probably wants to use her for making bastards anyway. Does Sansa ever learn?
Littlefinger turns up and, for his part in getting the Tyrells onside, is awarded Harrenhal, even though the Lannisters don't actually have it yet to give.
Captives from the battle are given to the chance beg for mercy but one of them has a rant about Joffrey being born from incest and not being the true king. He's so wound up by this he manages to cut himself on the sharp bits of the throne. Which makes him look like not the true king. And crying for mummy in front of everyone is not very regal, either. Oh dear.
Sansa sneaks off to the godswood and Dontos tells her he has planned her escape for the night of Joffrey's wedding, when everyone will be distracted. Which sounds like a half-sensible plan. He also gives her a weird +1 Magical Hairnet of Retribution. Or something.
ACoK 64: Arya 800
Arya overhears the rumour that Rickon and Bran are dead, though she doesn't completely believe it. Also she is not being treated with any respect by Roose Bolton, who doesn't like servants talking to him. And she has to pull blood-filled leaches from his naked body and empty his chamber pot, but she doesn't seem too bothered by that.
But she resolves to escape, and with more audacity than planning, manages to enlist Gendry and Hot Pie in the middle of the night and make off with three horses, some stolen swords, a map and a dagger. I'm thinking this would make a good board game: Escape from Harrenhal.
She does have to kill a guard in cold blood. She doesn't think too much of it beyond the annoyance of (literal) blood on her hands. The rain will wash it off, so that's okay then.
But she resolves to escape, and with more audacity than planning, manages to enlist Gendry and Hot Pie in the middle of the night and make off with three horses, some stolen swords, a map and a dagger. I'm thinking this would make a good board game: Escape from Harrenhal.
She does have to kill a guard in cold blood. She doesn't think too much of it beyond the annoyance of (literal) blood on her hands. The rain will wash it off, so that's okay then.
ACoK 63: Daenerys 786
Dany's dragon has burnt down the warlocks' house of the undying, and she's not going to let Xaro have one of her dragons, so her welcome is wearing thin. She heads out to the docks to see if she can rent a boat to get her and her followers to Westeros.
She's left her dragons at Xaro's house under the protection of a single blood rider. I'm not quite sure why Xaro wouldn't arrange to have a dragon go missing at this point. In fact I'm a bit worried about that.
But Dany doesn't seem concerned. She has other worries: an assassin hands her a scarab in a box, which she just opens unsuspectingly, and she is only saved by two strange men who have been following her. It turns out that they have been sent by Magister Illyrio to bring her back. And he has sent three ships, so there is plenty of room for everyone. It seems almost too easy...
She's left her dragons at Xaro's house under the protection of a single blood rider. I'm not quite sure why Xaro wouldn't arrange to have a dragon go missing at this point. In fact I'm a bit worried about that.
But Dany doesn't seem concerned. She has other worries: an assassin hands her a scarab in a box, which she just opens unsuspectingly, and she is only saved by two strange men who have been following her. It turns out that they have been sent by Magister Illyrio to bring her back. And he has sent three ships, so there is plenty of room for everyone. It seems almost too easy...
ACoK 62: Sansa 778
And we're back at the party again. We get the news that the battle is lost. Cersei has a hissy fit about the whereabouts of her son and storms off. It seems Joffrey's retreat hasn't helped matters. There are riots. It's probably all Cersei's fault. Sansa stays behind to help out a bit, then goes to her room to find the Hound waiting. He's pretty pissed off at Tyrion and is planning to do a runner, but first he wants a song. Sansa gives him a literal song, and he seems happy with that and leaves.
Sansa wakes up to be told by Dontos that they've won the battle after all. Tywin helped, and somehow so did Renly. Perhaps it is Renly's heir, the boy the Castellan of his castle would not release.
Sansa wakes up to be told by Dontos that they've won the battle after all. Tywin helped, and somehow so did Renly. Perhaps it is Renly's heir, the boy the Castellan of his castle would not release.
ACoK 61: Tyrion 770
Tyrion leads his small troop against the battering ram. Pod rides alongside him. There is a lot of killing. Tyrion does pretty well. He gets battle fever. There is blood everywhere!
Then it turns out all the wrecked ships have made a bridge and Stannis' men are crossing. So Tyrion dives striaght in there. He comes off his horse, ends up on one of the ships. It's raining Antler Men and rocks. The ships break apart. Ser Mancell or tries to kill Tyrion. But he is rescued by...Pod. The boy doesn't say much but he's not a bad fighter, it seems.
All in all not a bad battle scene.
Then it turns out all the wrecked ships have made a bridge and Stannis' men are crossing. So Tyrion dives striaght in there. He comes off his horse, ends up on one of the ships. It's raining Antler Men and rocks. The ships break apart. Ser Mancell or tries to kill Tyrion. But he is rescued by...Pod. The boy doesn't say much but he's not a bad fighter, it seems.
All in all not a bad battle scene.
ACoK 60: Sansa 763
Sansa is still hanging out at Westeros' worst dinner party. Cersei is drinking too much and becoming more of a dick as the evening wears on. They learn that the battering ram has made it to the gates and Tyrion is leading a sortie to stop that. Cersei thinks this is a sure sign that they are about to lose. They also learn about Joffrey launcing Antler Men across the river. Cersei wants him brought home to safety.
She drops the advice that making sure your people fear you more than the enemy is the key to their loyalty. That hasn't worked out so well so far: they'd possibly have more troops if Lannister was a banner people wanted to flock to. I do wonder if, when Cersei tells a Kettleblack to shoot some merchants who are asking for shelter, that's going to cause a riot and add to her troubles.
Cersei ends up reduced to complaining about the patriarchy.
Finally, she drops the bombshell that if the city is breached she means to have Ser Ilyn Payne chop of her and Sansa's heads to keep them from being taken alive. Gulp.
She drops the advice that making sure your people fear you more than the enemy is the key to their loyalty. That hasn't worked out so well so far: they'd possibly have more troops if Lannister was a banner people wanted to flock to. I do wonder if, when Cersei tells a Kettleblack to shoot some merchants who are asking for shelter, that's going to cause a riot and add to her troubles.
Cersei ends up reduced to complaining about the patriarchy.
Finally, she drops the bombshell that if the city is breached she means to have Ser Ilyn Payne chop of her and Sansa's heads to keep them from being taken alive. Gulp.
Friday 12 October 2018
ACoK 59: Tyrion 756
Tyrion observes the battle from the wall. It's great that the ships are burning, but they're not *all* burning, and at some point Stannis is going to regroup. He needs the battle to keep going well because his men aren't loyal enough to stick around if it looks like it might go pear shaped.
Some men from the ships start swimming ashore (the ones with no armour at least; the ones with armour have sunk). Tyrion dispatches troops to get them while they're still drying themselves off.
Joffrey is hanging about and whining that his toy ships are broken, and can he play with his toy trebuchets. He's planning to launch toy soldiers with them. Except they're real trebuchets and real men (the traitorous Antler Men).
Tyrion leaves him to it and goes to see what he can do about a battering ram at the gates to the city. He meets the Hound, who is a bit pissed off at having wildfire sent in his direction. I guess this is what happens when you haven't quite mastered the art of firing your artillery over the top of your own troops. Still, it took people on Earth until WWI to invent the creeping barrage...
There's almost a bit of a mutiny when the Hound refuses to fight any more. But Tyrion points out he's just a half-man and he's going to fight, and some of the men would rather die than be embarassed. So off they go to sneak out of a side-door and attack the guys with the battering ram.
Some men from the ships start swimming ashore (the ones with no armour at least; the ones with armour have sunk). Tyrion dispatches troops to get them while they're still drying themselves off.
Joffrey is hanging about and whining that his toy ships are broken, and can he play with his toy trebuchets. He's planning to launch toy soldiers with them. Except they're real trebuchets and real men (the traitorous Antler Men).
Tyrion leaves him to it and goes to see what he can do about a battering ram at the gates to the city. He meets the Hound, who is a bit pissed off at having wildfire sent in his direction. I guess this is what happens when you haven't quite mastered the art of firing your artillery over the top of your own troops. Still, it took people on Earth until WWI to invent the creeping barrage...
There's almost a bit of a mutiny when the Hound refuses to fight any more. But Tyrion points out he's just a half-man and he's going to fight, and some of the men would rather die than be embarassed. So off they go to sneak out of a side-door and attack the guys with the battering ram.
ACoK 58: Davos 740
Stannis is sailing all 200 of his ships into the river by Kings Landing. Davos is commanding one in the second row. He's a bit worried about the strategy of sailing up the river. It's at this point that I realise what Tyrion's chain is for. Seems like a perfect way to trap some ships in a river while raining wildfire down on them.
And no, I'm not clever for figuring it out, it's just that GRRM does seem good at setting out the logic of the strategy. This is not a book where the plot is driven solely by characters making stupid mistakes and self-destructive decisions (though there is some of that). A lot of the plot does seem to be driven by the logic of strategies at play.
Anyway, Davos figures it out about two paragraphs after I do, and sure enough the chain comes up, the ships burn from wildfire hurled at them with trebuchets, and Davos is plunged into the water and swept downstream towards the chain and a lot of burning ships. Cue ad break.
ACoK 57: Sansa 733
The battle is starting. Joffrey makes Sansa kiss his sword and she tells him her brother is cooler than him because he's a man grown and Joffrey is just a stupid little kid. Then she goes off to pray for everyone except Joffrey.
Now all the women and children are hiding in a hall in an inner castle with Queen Cersei. Cersei is full of cheery advice, like how Sansa had better get ready for some hardcore city-sacking.
Now all the women and children are hiding in a hall in an inner castle with Queen Cersei. Cersei is full of cheery advice, like how Sansa had better get ready for some hardcore city-sacking.
Wednesday 10 October 2018
ACoK 56: Theon 723
Wow. What a chapter. By the way, in case it somehow isn't obvious, or if you're somehow reading this by mistake before you know what happens to Bran and Rickon, stop reading now! I'm going to SPOIL the chapter!
So it was finally confirmed. Theon is having nightmares about wolves with children's heads because of the terrible things he did at the mill. Mostly I just feel bad because of what a terrible place Westeros is, and those poor innocent children getting beheaded. Everyone hates Theon, and they should, because Bran and Rickon's heads are on spikes. It's all just too depressing.
Asha turns up and lays out exactly why Theon is such a dick, and such a moron. He's done all this damage, murdered children and a bunch of other people, everyone hates him, he's completely surrounded by enemies, he didn't think about how he's going to hold on to the place and it's not even strategically useful to the Ironmen since it's nowhere near the sea. Asha even mocks his crown.
Still, Theon has the last laugh because those children's heads belong to the miller's kids. Wait, what?
So, rewind a little. At the end of the last Theon chapter, he finds he has Bran's wolf brooch in a bag. And the idea he gets (edit: no; on a re-read I see that it's Reek who gives him the idea) isn't where Bran might be, but that now he has what he needs to fool people into thinking that he found and killed the children! Genius plan! Everyone will now hate him, but at least his sister Asha won't think that he's a complete idiot. Except she thinks that anyway. So what has he achieved?
I'm pretty relieved though. I was feeling really bad about poor Bran and little Rickon. I mean, I suppose I should feel bad about the similarly aged miller's boys; things haven't turned out well for them. But I don't know them, so it doesn't feel so bad.
So it was finally confirmed. Theon is having nightmares about wolves with children's heads because of the terrible things he did at the mill. Mostly I just feel bad because of what a terrible place Westeros is, and those poor innocent children getting beheaded. Everyone hates Theon, and they should, because Bran and Rickon's heads are on spikes. It's all just too depressing.
Asha turns up and lays out exactly why Theon is such a dick, and such a moron. He's done all this damage, murdered children and a bunch of other people, everyone hates him, he's completely surrounded by enemies, he didn't think about how he's going to hold on to the place and it's not even strategically useful to the Ironmen since it's nowhere near the sea. Asha even mocks his crown.
Still, Theon has the last laugh because those children's heads belong to the miller's kids. Wait, what?
So, rewind a little. At the end of the last Theon chapter, he finds he has Bran's wolf brooch in a bag. And the idea he gets (edit: no; on a re-read I see that it's Reek who gives him the idea) isn't where Bran might be, but that now he has what he needs to fool people into thinking that he found and killed the children! Genius plan! Everyone will now hate him, but at least his sister Asha won't think that he's a complete idiot. Except she thinks that anyway. So what has he achieved?
I'm pretty relieved though. I was feeling really bad about poor Bran and little Rickon. I mean, I suppose I should feel bad about the similarly aged miller's boys; things haven't turned out well for them. But I don't know them, so it doesn't feel so bad.
ACoK 55: Catelyn 708
Everyone at Riverrun is still celebrating their victories but Catelyn has found out that Bran and Rickon are dead. She's pretty unhappy about it. She goes to see Jaime in the dungeon and swaps answers with him. She learns that all Cersei's children are Jaime's and that he pushed Bran out of the window (Jaime doesn't seem to care what she knows, at this point).
We also find out just how mad King Aerys killed Brandon and Rickard (Ned's dad and brother who Catelyn was originally going to marry). It's about as nasty has having molten gold on your head, and something out of one of those Saw movies. Brandon is being roasted and a device is set up so that Rickard strangles himself trying to save his son. I reckon Jaime deserves some slack for breaking his oath and killing Aerys after that, to be honest.
Cersei wants to kill Jaime for murdering Bran, but manages to restrain herself for the sake of her hostage daughters. But when Jaime starts mocking her about Jon Snow, *that* is too much, and she asks for Brienne's sword.
So Cersei is, presumably, about to kill Jaime herself, Stark style. Which is madness because it's unlikely to end well for Sansa. At this point I'm half-expecting Bran and Rickon to turn up alive after all, since so far we have only heard second-hand reports of their deaths, and it would make for some epic tragedy. A Theon chapter is next so we don't have long to wait to find out.
We also find out just how mad King Aerys killed Brandon and Rickard (Ned's dad and brother who Catelyn was originally going to marry). It's about as nasty has having molten gold on your head, and something out of one of those Saw movies. Brandon is being roasted and a device is set up so that Rickard strangles himself trying to save his son. I reckon Jaime deserves some slack for breaking his oath and killing Aerys after that, to be honest.
Cersei wants to kill Jaime for murdering Bran, but manages to restrain herself for the sake of her hostage daughters. But when Jaime starts mocking her about Jon Snow, *that* is too much, and she asks for Brienne's sword.
So Cersei is, presumably, about to kill Jaime herself, Stark style. Which is madness because it's unlikely to end well for Sansa. At this point I'm half-expecting Bran and Rickon to turn up alive after all, since so far we have only heard second-hand reports of their deaths, and it would make for some epic tragedy. A Theon chapter is next so we don't have long to wait to find out.
ACoK 54: Tyrion 698
Tyrion learns that Bran and Rickon were killed by Theon. Is this really how were are going to learn about a POV character's death? Tyrion is slightly taken aback by the news but otherwise it is all so matter-of-fact.
He goes to give the news to Cersei and have dinner with her. GRRM's menus always sound good. I wonder if anyone has written a cookbook based on them. I bet they have.
Cersei seems nonplussed by the death of Catelyn's kids; she's mainly worried about Jaime and wants to make sure that Sansa is well looked-after. Then she springs her trap on Tyrion: she has captured his prostitute girlfriend! Tyrion is a bit worried about this, but luckily it turns out Cersei has the wrong prostitute. He threatens Tommen to keep Cersei in line and she seems cowed for now. Tyrion realises he's had a bit of a close shave: possibly he will learn some lessons. Hard to say who will get the last laugh.
He goes to give the news to Cersei and have dinner with her. GRRM's menus always sound good. I wonder if anyone has written a cookbook based on them. I bet they have.
Cersei seems nonplussed by the death of Catelyn's kids; she's mainly worried about Jaime and wants to make sure that Sansa is well looked-after. Then she springs her trap on Tyrion: she has captured his prostitute girlfriend! Tyrion is a bit worried about this, but luckily it turns out Cersei has the wrong prostitute. He threatens Tommen to keep Cersei in line and she seems cowed for now. Tyrion realises he's had a bit of a close shave: possibly he will learn some lessons. Hard to say who will get the last laugh.
Monday 8 October 2018
ACoK 53: Jon 689
Halfhand, Jon and company move north through the mountains. Halfhand knows Jon didn't kill the wildling girl, but he doesn't care because he only wanted to test Jon to learn what sort of person he is. If he'd really wanted her dead he'd have asked someone else to do it.
Jon goes to sleep and dreams he is Ghost. He climbs to the top of a ridge and sees Mance Rayder's camp and its exact location. He wakes up and tells everyone and they all believe him and use this intelligence to decide it's time to go home. There is further proof in that Ghost really has been injured by an eagle, just as in the dream.
Now, this all seems a bit unfair to me. To get his super powers, poor Bran had to fall off a building, get crippled, endure months of apparently meaningless nightmares, more months of confusion, and have the deaths of his friends predicted, his predictions disbelieved and finally confirmed before it became clear that the dreams were meaningful. Jon has one good nap, gets all the good information, and is able to make use of it in about three pages. And he still has the use of both his legs. Where's the justice?
Also in this chapter we are introduced to a new character who gets left behind on a mountain to martyr himself attempting to delay the company's hundreds of pursuers with a single bow.
Jon goes to sleep and dreams he is Ghost. He climbs to the top of a ridge and sees Mance Rayder's camp and its exact location. He wakes up and tells everyone and they all believe him and use this intelligence to decide it's time to go home. There is further proof in that Ghost really has been injured by an eagle, just as in the dream.
Now, this all seems a bit unfair to me. To get his super powers, poor Bran had to fall off a building, get crippled, endure months of apparently meaningless nightmares, more months of confusion, and have the deaths of his friends predicted, his predictions disbelieved and finally confirmed before it became clear that the dreams were meaningful. Jon has one good nap, gets all the good information, and is able to make use of it in about three pages. And he still has the use of both his legs. Where's the justice?
Also in this chapter we are introduced to a new character who gets left behind on a mountain to martyr himself attempting to delay the company's hundreds of pursuers with a single bow.
ACoK 52: Sansa 678
Sansa goes up to the tower to look through the smoke for signs of Stannis' approaching army. She gets hassled by the Hound again. Then she visits Dontos in the godswood, who is drunk and wants a kiss. And also isn't going to be able to get her out of the city for ages. Probably until after the war, if you ask me. We also learn that there are limits to what Stannis can achieve by land because of the river and he could really do with more ships which won't arrive for a long time.
Then Sansa goes to bed, has terrible dreams, and wakes up to discover she's had her first "flowering". She tries to burn the evidence but gets caught in the act. Interestingly she pretends to Cersei to be more naive than she really is, claiming she was scared of the blood and expected it to be more magical, when in fact she's just scared of having to marry Joffrey. Cersei seems to buy that line, even if she sees straight through the lie that Sansa loves Joffrey with all her heart.
What if Sansa is going to get smarter without anyone noticing, and then take them all by surprise later on? Another clue to this might be Dontos pointing out that nobody pays lady Tanda's daughter any attention because she is too stupid. For that matter, is Tanda's daughter up to something?
Addendum: when Sansa got blood in the sink, she realised the maid would see it and her secret would be given away. She couldn't empty the sink because she doesn't have indoor plumbing. Let that sink in (yes, I know). She's the 1%; the nobility; and she doesn't have plumbing. That's how impoverished Westeros is.
Then Sansa goes to bed, has terrible dreams, and wakes up to discover she's had her first "flowering". She tries to burn the evidence but gets caught in the act. Interestingly she pretends to Cersei to be more naive than she really is, claiming she was scared of the blood and expected it to be more magical, when in fact she's just scared of having to marry Joffrey. Cersei seems to buy that line, even if she sees straight through the lie that Sansa loves Joffrey with all her heart.
What if Sansa is going to get smarter without anyone noticing, and then take them all by surprise later on? Another clue to this might be Dontos pointing out that nobody pays lady Tanda's daughter any attention because she is too stupid. For that matter, is Tanda's daughter up to something?
Addendum: when Sansa got blood in the sink, she realised the maid would see it and her secret would be given away. She couldn't empty the sink because she doesn't have indoor plumbing. Let that sink in (yes, I know). She's the 1%; the nobility; and she doesn't have plumbing. That's how impoverished Westeros is.
Friday 5 October 2018
ACoK 51: Jon 665
Jon is exploring the mountains, looking for Mance Rayder with the Halfhand and Stonesnake. They spot a fire up on a mountain pass. Jon and Stonesnake climb up and attack the camp. One of the wildlings is a girl and Jon, being a big softy, takes her captive.
She tells a pretty awesome story of an old wildling king who, insulted by the then Lord Brandon Stark (but we don't know which one or how long ago), snuck into Winterfell and pretended to be a singer. He wooed Stark's only daughter and she bore him a son. Years later, in a battle, the son killed his father, not knowing it was his father. He took the head back on a spear and his mother saw and hurled herself off a tower in grief. All of which is an excellent tragedy, and if true leaves the current generation of Starks descended from wildlings.
Halfhand rejoins and points out they can't look after prisoners. He leaves Jon to kill her. But he's still a softy, and frankly if you ask me it wouldn't be very Stark-like to kill a prisoner in cold blood, so he let's her go. Like most good deeds in Westeros I'm sure this one won't go unpunished.
She tells a pretty awesome story of an old wildling king who, insulted by the then Lord Brandon Stark (but we don't know which one or how long ago), snuck into Winterfell and pretended to be a singer. He wooed Stark's only daughter and she bore him a son. Years later, in a battle, the son killed his father, not knowing it was his father. He took the head back on a spear and his mother saw and hurled herself off a tower in grief. All of which is an excellent tragedy, and if true leaves the current generation of Starks descended from wildlings.
Halfhand rejoins and points out they can't look after prisoners. He leaves Jon to kill her. But he's still a softy, and frankly if you ask me it wouldn't be very Stark-like to kill a prisoner in cold blood, so he let's her go. Like most good deeds in Westeros I'm sure this one won't go unpunished.
Wednesday 3 October 2018
ACoK 50: Theon 650
Theon has captured Winterfell with only 30 men, which is a bit of a precarious situation. So naturally he spends the night shagging while his 12 year old ward sleeps at the foot of his bed, as you do. So he misses the escape of the Stark boys, and Jojen and his sister, aided by Osha and Hodor.
Osha, I take it all back. All is forgiven, I was wrong, the Starks are clearly better judges of character than me.
Theon knows that without the Starks as captives it will be easy for the northern lords to re-take Winterfell. But he's mainly worried about looking like an idiot in front of his sister. Again.
He plays good cop bad cop with the small-folk and wonders why they hate him. He's basically Joffrey but with less self-confidence. Anyway, he spends all day running around following trails to nowhere and then Reek shows him a wolf brooch in a bag and suddenly he knows just where to look. But we'll have to wait for another chapter to find out what that's all about.
Osha, I take it all back. All is forgiven, I was wrong, the Starks are clearly better judges of character than me.
Theon knows that without the Starks as captives it will be easy for the northern lords to re-take Winterfell. But he's mainly worried about looking like an idiot in front of his sister. Again.
He plays good cop bad cop with the small-folk and wonders why they hate him. He's basically Joffrey but with less self-confidence. Anyway, he spends all day running around following trails to nowhere and then Reek shows him a wolf brooch in a bag and suddenly he knows just where to look. But we'll have to wait for another chapter to find out what that's all about.
ACok 49: Tyrion 640
Tyrion is sending all his mountain men into the woods to do guerrilla warfare against his enemies; presumably Stannis's approaching men. He's getting the city ready for a battle and gets Bronn to burn the structures that have been built against the outside of the walls.
Production of gunpowder is up, since the magic spells used to make it are better, since there are now dragons in the world again.
Tyrion has learned about Theon taking over Winterfell and even he is taken aback by it.
The complicated plan to get Jacelyn Bywater to look after Tommen seems to have worked out.
Salloreon and assorted merchants calling themselves Antler Men are plotting to help Stannis take over.
So ends another day in the plotting and scheming of Tyrion, and I still don't know what that chain is for.
Production of gunpowder is up, since the magic spells used to make it are better, since there are now dragons in the world again.
Tyrion has learned about Theon taking over Winterfell and even he is taken aback by it.
The complicated plan to get Jacelyn Bywater to look after Tommen seems to have worked out.
Salloreon and assorted merchants calling themselves Antler Men are plotting to help Stannis take over.
So ends another day in the plotting and scheming of Tyrion, and I still don't know what that chain is for.
ACoK 48: Daenerys 628
Dany goes to see Pyat Pree and the House of the Undying Ones. The whole place seems dodgy as hell, Dany has to go in alone and it is said that people go in and never go out. All her friends tell her it's a really bad idea. So, obviously, in she goes.
She has to keep turning right, which is impossible. But she does it anyway. The House of the Undying Ones is like the inside of the Tardis. Doors open and weird things happen inside that are presumably symbolic of something or other, but I can never work stuff like that out. I'm pretty sure the guy with the wolf's head represents some Stark or other, but that's about it.
Eventually Dany gets to chat with the Undying Ones themselves, fat lot of good that they are. They whisper in riddles, show her more visions and try to attack her. She escapes, only to be attacked with a knife by Pyat Pree who gets whipped by Jhogo.
Probably if you Google it you'll find thousands of theories about what the stuff in this chapter meant, but I'll wait until I've finished all the books before doing that, because spoilers.
She has to keep turning right, which is impossible. But she does it anyway. The House of the Undying Ones is like the inside of the Tardis. Doors open and weird things happen inside that are presumably symbolic of something or other, but I can never work stuff like that out. I'm pretty sure the guy with the wolf's head represents some Stark or other, but that's about it.
Eventually Dany gets to chat with the Undying Ones themselves, fat lot of good that they are. They whisper in riddles, show her more visions and try to attack her. She escapes, only to be attacked with a knife by Pyat Pree who gets whipped by Jhogo.
Probably if you Google it you'll find thousands of theories about what the stuff in this chapter meant, but I'll wait until I've finished all the books before doing that, because spoilers.
Monday 1 October 2018
ACoK 47: Arya 609
Arya is filching tarts from Hot Pie when Vargo Hoat comes back with prisoners, and they're Roose Bolton's men. This is a bit of a worry, so when she sees Jaqen next she asks him to help her free the prisoners so they can take over Harrenhal. Pretty impressive for a ten-year-old.
He says no, so Arya asks him to kill himself as her third wish. He hesitates and she says if he helps her then she'll change the name. This is a stunning bit of chutzpah. Arya really is playing with fire: here's a sorcerer who can make dogs chew men's faces off and she's tricked him into doing her bidding. Which is bound to piss him off and once his debt is repaid he'll be presumably free to put a hex on Arya for her cheek.
For now it works, though, and Jaqen has Arya order a vat of hot broth from the kitchen which Jaqen and his men pour over the guards, freeing the prisoners. But it turns out that Vargo Hoat was working with the Roose Bolton all along. The prisoners aren't prisoners at all, they're not injured. Bolton duly takes over the castle.
All of which leaves me wondering what Arya has achieved, save using up he last wish and being promoted to Bolton's personal wine-pourer. I'm not quite sure why she hasn't revealed her true identity to Bolton, but going home to Winterfell might not be a great idea right now anyway.
Jaqen changes his appearance in front of Arya's eyes before making his getaway (and giving her a secret coin and secret password to find him again). The list of characters who have directly witnessed magic happening is growing.
He says no, so Arya asks him to kill himself as her third wish. He hesitates and she says if he helps her then she'll change the name. This is a stunning bit of chutzpah. Arya really is playing with fire: here's a sorcerer who can make dogs chew men's faces off and she's tricked him into doing her bidding. Which is bound to piss him off and once his debt is repaid he'll be presumably free to put a hex on Arya for her cheek.
For now it works, though, and Jaqen has Arya order a vat of hot broth from the kitchen which Jaqen and his men pour over the guards, freeing the prisoners. But it turns out that Vargo Hoat was working with the Roose Bolton all along. The prisoners aren't prisoners at all, they're not injured. Bolton duly takes over the castle.
All of which leaves me wondering what Arya has achieved, save using up he last wish and being promoted to Bolton's personal wine-pourer. I'm not quite sure why she hasn't revealed her true identity to Bolton, but going home to Winterfell might not be a great idea right now anyway.
Jaqen changes his appearance in front of Arya's eyes before making his getaway (and giving her a secret coin and secret password to find him again). The list of characters who have directly witnessed magic happening is growing.
ACoK 46: Bran 599
Hard to believe, but Theon's plan seems to be working so far. Ser Rodrick has gone off to the rescue of Torrhen's Square and Theon has been able to take over Winterfell with a handful of thugs. He's forced Bran to yield, but the smallfolk can see through it. The blacksmith, Mikken, refuses to yield and gets a spear through the neck for his trouble. Even poor Hodor gets a beating. Theon is going for the Joffrey style of rule, and I can't see it working out any better for him. Theon wasn't there at the end of AGoT when all the lords were getting excited about Robb being the King in the North. I'm sure they'll help him re-take Winterfell at their earliest convenience.
Osha has joined with Theon. Either she's up to something clever, I'm about to get payoff for thinking the Starks are mad for keeping her around in the first place.
Osha has joined with Theon. Either she's up to something clever, I'm about to get payoff for thinking the Starks are mad for keeping her around in the first place.
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