ASoS 19: Tyrion 254

Oh it's all happening in King's Landing in this chapter! Quite the soap opera. There's a wedding to organise for Joff. Cersei is going to have to completely re-do the seating plan since it turns out Tyrells can't be sat next to Dornish men. The Lannisters have won another battle somewhere I've never heard of. Tyrell is convinced Rob Stark is going to be busy re-taking Winterfell, but Tyrell is not very good at war strategy, which means he's probably wrong and Robb will do something else surprising instead.

Littlefinger is heading off to woo Lysa to win her troops to the Lannister side. Oh so that'll be it: he'll meet Robb and Catelyn who are also heading that way to try to get her allegiance (if I'm right about that).

Greyjoy has offered to team up with the Lannisters as long as he gets to keep the North. Tywin is not having any of that and plans to ignore him and let the coming winter take care of him. Tywin is also not bothered with sending men to the wall. He's happy to let Mance Rayder keep Robb and Theon occupied. What's the betting that he'll come to regret that?

Tyrion is going to have to be Master of Coin. Since it was Littlefinger's idea, Tyrion suspects a trap. Probably the trap is that there is no money. They're spending it at quite a rate as far as I can see and the King's Landing finances were not in great shape to begin with. The tax take can't be all that great with all the burning of fields that's been going on. Still, this is Tyrion, so he'll probably invent some cunning way out of it, like fiat currency and fractional reserve banking...

Tywin has got wind that the Tyrells are planning to marry off Sansa to the crippled heir of Highgarden. He doesn't plan to allow that to happen. He wants to Cersei to marry him instead. You should have seen Cersei's face! Duff-duff, duff duff duff, da da da da.

But that's not the cliff hanger: there's more! He wants Tyrion to marry Sansa! And soon, before the Tyrells' plans are well known so that Mace can't take offence. Tyrion thinks she's a bit young, and probably won't be that into him. On the other hand, he'd be punching above his weight. And anyway, Tywin says once he's consumated the marriage he can wait a few years until she's grown up. So that's okay then. And Tywin thinks this means Tyrion will inherit Winterfell. Which is fine unless Robb starts having babies with a Frey.

It also turns out that Tywin knows about Robb's snubbing the Freys to marry a Westerling. Now Tyrion thinks the Westerlings are a bit daft to betray the Lannisters (and there's a cool story that the Lannisters so thoroughly destroyed another house who betrayed them that Tywin just has to send singers to sing about that to keep other houses in line -- that's how badass Tywin is). But Tywin thinks they're really thinking one step ahead, which means it could well be all part of a cunning plan. After all, Jeyne Westerling's grandmother was (or possibly still is) a maegi who deals in love potions which may have something to do with Robb's marrying Jeyne.

So to sum up Tywin's plans: Maergery Tyrell will marry Joff, Cersei will marry Willas Tyrell, Tyrion will marry Sansa Stark, Robb Stark will get killed in battle before having children and Theon Greyjoy is just so useless he will get killed by the Winter. This will leave the Lannisters inheriting everything. I bet it doesn't turn out like that, though.

ASoS 18: Samwell 236

Sam is trudging through the snow. Is this the first Samwell chapter? I think it is! Anyway, the camp was attacked by wights and Others (hence the three horn blasts from the prologue and Mance and Jon finding all the dead horses). Sam managed to send a message. Then he released all the birds, which ought to be a message in itself. But if no-one makes it back they won't know it was wights and Others.

He can't walk any more so Small Paul carries him. Paul lets slip that Chet was going to let him have Mormont's crow, but no-one seems to notice. And Paul gets killed by an Other anyway. Craven Sam manages to muster up the courage to attack the Other with the the glass dagger Jon gave him. Not so craven after all is our Sam. He ought to be pretty handy if any Nazgul turn up, too.

It turns out that dragonglass kills Others. Which is pretty handy. Also it's quite surprising that no-one knew that. Shouldn't it be part of the stories? Hopefully Sam makes it back to the wall because that could turn out to be very useful intelligence.

ASoS 17: Arya 227

Hot Pie stayed at the Inn to become a baker, since he was bored with all the travelling anyway. Arya and Gendry have gone with the outlaws to Riverrun. It turns out that the outlaws started out as the men Ned sent to harry GREGOR, under the command of Lord Beric. But GREGOR smashed them, and then they found out that Ned and Robert were dead. Rather than yeilding to the new king Joff, they decided to continue defending the smallfolk.

Lord Beric survived his injuries (he never dies) and continues to lead the outlaws, and their numbers have grown. They are the Rebel Alliance! Arya finds out she's being taken to Beric instead of Rivverrun, so she tries to gallop off, which almost works because she has a fast horse, but Harwin is a better horseman. Arya had better hope that Beric is as fair as they say.

Incidentally, it seems like Ned was doomed one way or another. If his leg wasn't broken he probably would have gone to face GREGOR himself, and would have been just as outnumbered and probably more dead than Beric.

ASoS 16: Sansa 220

Sansa is getting a new wardrobe courtesy of Cersei and/or Maergery. It turns out life is not so bad now that the Tyrells are in town and Sansa has lots of new friends who are nice to her. So much so that she's told Dontos she doesn't want to escape any more.

She sees herself as far more worldly-wise than the various Tyrell girls, since she has seen battles and her dad's head chopped off, and she has a point. She keeps warning Maergery about Joff but Maergery seems unconcerned and thinks her brother the Flower Knight, now kingsguard, will protect her from him, presumably by turning kingslayer and throwing the realm into new chaos. But how much has Sansa really learned? Despite Dontos' warnings that he's only after Winterfell, she thinks marrying Willas will be lovely. But he might well be just as much of a monster as Joff.

Anyway, she's got until the night of Joff's wedding to decide, because that's when Dontos' boat will be ready to rescue her. It'll be the best wedding Walford, I mean Westeros, has ever had!

ASoS 15: Jon 202

Jon meanwhile has been doing an admirable job of not thinking with his dick and staying loyal to the watch while working undercover. It's starting to slip, though: he likes some of the wildlings and he finds Ygritte's eyes and smile alluring despite her commoner looks.

Tormund has various hilarious tall tales to tell. Jon sees giants on mammoths. They all have a sing song. Ygritte is a bit sad that there are only a few hundred giants left in the world. Then everything happens at once: Jon is attacked by the eagle posessed by the ghost of a man he killed, and Mance finds the watch's hilltop camp. Except there are more dead watchmen than Jon told Mance were on the ranging.

Somehow or other Mance doesn't have him killed for lying, but instead tells him he's going on a mission tomorrow and he'd better prove himself by killing some watchmen. Ygritte also manages to persuade Mance that she and Jon are "dancing" under Jon's cloak at night. Which they haven't yet despite much snuggling for warmth, but now wants Jon to make her honest. I like Ygritte: she knows what she wants and she's persistent about getting it.

Edit to add: I just remembered Ben Stark's complaint when Jon first mentioned wanting to join the Watch, which was that Jon had not known love and did not know what he was giving up. What are the chances that when he finds out, his attitude changes somewhat?

ASoS 14: Catelyn 188

The Catelyn chapters have more intrigue than the Tyrion ones at the moment. Robb comes back to Riverrun. There's some drama in the yard involving some Frey boys trampling Robb's banner and leaving in a huff. It turns out it's because Robb got injured, was nursed by a pretty girl, and ended up marrying her. The Freys are annoyed because he'd promised to marry one of Lord Frey's daughters. Oh dear, the message here seems to be that much of history is written by powerful men thinking with their dicks. It does seem awfully plausible.

This lets Catelyn off the hook a bit for releasing Jaime. But Robb's overall position does not seem that great. Catelyn seems to have a cunning plan to get the Freys back onside and I think it might involve "Tansy" aka her sister. Is that really going to cut it though? Isn't she a slightly mad cat lady living in isolation at the top of a mountain?

Also Robb is sending his wolf off to the kennels because some of his wifes people don't like it, and it doesn't like them. Catelyn thinks this is a bad sign, and I think she's right. GRRM is clearly telling us that the wolves were sent by the gods, and I'm fairly sure that this whole game of thrones business boils down to various gods vying for power.

Meanwhile Edmure is in deep shit. I remember being a bit suspicious back when Riverrun was celebrating its victory over Tywin. Turns out Robb's plan all along was to draw Tywin east and keep him distracted. Instead Edmure delayed him and he ended up preventing Stannis from taking King's Landing. Oops. Still, it wouldn't have hurt Robb to keep Edmure in the loop on his plans. "Just follow orders" is all well and good until events happen and you have to make decisions. Robb will learn from this, hopefully.

ASoS 13: Arya 173

Arya, Hot Pie and Gendry get caught stealing vegetables from a dead man's garden by Lem, Archer/Anguy and Tom of Sevenstreams the singer. After a bit of parley, Arya realises they can't escape the archer, and they go with them to a nearby Inn where they are promised food but I suspect Arya at least will be sold into slavery of some form.

It turns out to be the same Inn visited by Jaime, Brienne and Cleos a couple of chapters earlier. Lem, Archer and Tom were supposed to intercept Jaime and company and steal their horses, but were foiled because Brienne didn't trust the man who is not an innkeeper and chose a different route from the one he advised.

Sure enough, after being fed, the band of outlaws offer Arya a promissory note in exchange for their horses. The note is probably worthless since there is no gold (imagine someone on 21st century Earth falling for that! Err...) but Arya thinks they're going to lose their horses anyway, so she offers them in exchange for Brienne's boat that she's seen outside.

Just then some riders turn up, who turn out to include Harwin, who used to lead her pony around the yard. He recognises her and announces to the room that she is Arya Stark, daughter of the Hand. So perhaps these really are "king's men" still loyal to the ghost of Robert and his hand.

ASoS 12: Tyrion 161

Tyrion visits Varys, learns that his hard work is being undone by Cersei and Tywin, and doesn't learn much about Ser Mandon's attempt to kill him. He does know that Mandon is a bit boring and straight-laced, and not the type to kill people unless ordered to. I suspect there is something mysterious about Mandon that will be revealed later.

Mostly Tyrion is thinking with his nethers again and wants to see Shae. Varys arranges it; Shae reminds him of his promises about jewels and a manse. Tyrion wants to send her away for her own safety (she'll be hung if Tywin finds out about her) but ends up telling her she can stay. I suspect this is going to turn out to be a great tragic story arc.

I have to admit Tyrion chapters were a lot more interesting when he had power and influence. I hope he regains some.

ASoS 11: Jaime 146

Jaime, Brienne and Cleos are get out of their boat at an inn expecting it to be empty, but find a man who is not an innkeeper who serves them horse steak. He also sells them horses so they can continue on land which might be safer. At this point Westeros is basically like Somalia, with warlords fighting it out over territory and bands of rogues roaming in between and anyone travelling amywhere is going to get killed.

They take a different route to the one recommended by the man who is not an innkeeper in case he is sending them into a trap.

We get to spend some time in Jaime's head. Basically the whole plot up to this point is driven by his and Cersei's love for each other. Tywin was going to marry  him off to a Tyrell daughter so to stay close to Cersei he became a kingsguard. This didn't work because it annoyed Tywin who resigned his post as hand and left with Cersei to Casterley Rock. (The law of drama suggests that Tywin is going to find out about Jaime and Cersei at the worst possible moment, at some point later in the books.)

This left Tywin free to plot against Aerys, and it seems like it's partly Jaime's frustration at the separation that leads to him killing both the new hand and the king Aerys. If Jaime had just married Tyrell's daughter, Tywin would be hand, Cersei would have married a Targaryen (maybe Vyseris), and none of this would have happened. Probably.

ASoS 10: Davos 133

Davos is coughing up blood. That's probably not good. He ought to see a Maester about that. Instead he tries to visit Stannis but has to visit Salladhor Saan first. He tells Salladhor he plans to kill Melisandre. Salladhor says he should get well first but Davos isn't having any of it and goes to see Stannis anyway.

Stannis apparently doesn't see people any more. Instead Davos gets arrested by Melisandre's men. She seems to know all about Davos's plan. Did she hear it from Salladhor already? Or does she have her own version of Varys?

Now it seems as if Melisandre is basically Wormtounge  to Stannis's Theoden. Where is Gandalf?

ASoS 9: Bran 122

Bran is still addicted to his wolf virtual reality game, and is annoyed when Jojen pulls his headset off right when he's in the middle of fighting and about to eat a deer.

They're living in an abandoned watchtower in the woods in the middle of nowhere.

There's a bit of a debate about who is really in charge and what they should do, and in the end Bran agrees to go along with Jojen's plan of visiting the three-eyed crow beyond the wall. Who this is we don't know, but I suspect it will turn out to be some wildling close to Mance Rayder. Bran knows he can't keep just being a wolf: apparently it's possible for a warg to take full control of the host animal and even pick which animal to control, which sounds like a pretty awesome telepresence superpower which I suspect Bran will master before the end of the saga.

ASoS 8: Daenerys 105

Dany is on Illyrio's ship surrounded by Illyrio's men. Ser Jorah is suspicious of everyone, or perhaps he is being overprotective. Her dragons are flying around now and cooking meat with their own fire. She's training them to obey commands and is planning to be able to ride them.

Jorah goes to visit Dany while she's naked in bed. Dany seems to be naked a lot in these books. He convinces her not to go directly to see Illyrio, but to go to another port on the way and hire a badass army instead, so that she's got some protection against whatever nefarious plans Illyrio has.

I do wonder where they're all going to stay. It's not like you can just call up the Pentos Marriott and ask for 1000 rooms. I suppose people are used to squashing up in one room. Even Dany is sharing a bed with her handmaiden (and not even like that).

Having agreed to his plan, Dany gets out of bed to put on some clothes. She doesn't care if Jorah sees her naked, even though she knows he's in love with her. This is all the encouragement he needs: he's finally plucked up the courage to plant a big smacker on her lips. Also he wants to ride one of her dragons (behave). She likes it, but also thinks it's a bit inappropriate, so tries to pretend she didn't like it. I honestly have no idea whether Jorah is guilty of sexual harassment or not. It's a bit weird seeing as he's kind of a father figure, but then again Dany is from a long line of incestuous couplings so who am I to judge? Probably Dany's problem with it is the same as Darcy's problem with Elizabeth: eventually she'll get over herself and they'll live happily ever after.

ASoS 7: Jon 91

Jon, now working undercover amongst the wildlings, is taken to meet Mance Rayder. At first I think Mance Rayder is being far too freindly. Shouldn't he be throwing Jon in a cage and interrogating him? Or at least not so immediately inviting him into his house and introducing him to his pregnant wife?

But then I start to realise I've got Mance all wrong. He's not some ruffian, scoundrel, raider (despite the name). He's not even a Westeros-style lord who might very likely treat prisoners only as well as it suits.

Mance is civilised and has manners. He is not a ruler: the wildlings associate with him voluntarily. These are free folk, and Mance means it, unlike Craddock whose idea of freedom is the freedom to abuse his daughters. For Mance, freedom is for other people, too. And so Jon is a free man who he invites onto his property to share his food.

As Ygritte says when Jon asks if he will be free to leave, "Sure you will. And we'll be free to kill you. It's dangerous being free, but most come to like the taste o' it."

This is better than it sounds, their interest in killing Jon is only so far as it is necessary to protect themselves.

Mance explains why he left the Watch: "...for a place where a kiss was not a crime, and a man could wear any cloak he chose."

My prediction then, is that Jon is going to go too deep under cover, and come to like the taste of freedom, and realise that a better world is possible than the backwards, medieval society of Westeros.

ASoS 6: Sansa 75

I don't know who it was who first said the Sansa chapters were boring, but I've always quite liked them, probably because I sometimes feel as naive and clueless as her when it comes to GRRM's world and can relate to her. And this one is a corker, thanks in part to the wonderful Lady Olenna who might become my new favourite character if she makes more appearances.

Sansa is invited to supper by her replacement for the spot of Joff's wife-to-be, Margaery Tyrell. She doesn't know what it's all about but as I immediately suspected, it's to find out how Joff treats his women. Lady Olenna doesn't beat about the bush, she doesn't give a fuck in a way only old ladies truly don't have to, and she speaks the truth and doesn't care who hears it. She's unimpressed with this whole marrying into royalty lark. "We should have stayed well out of this bloody foolishness if you ask me, but once the cow's been milked there's no squirting the cream back up her udder. [...] All these kings would do a good deal better if they would put down their swords and listen to their mothers."

Olenna could be the most intelligent character in the book so far. By getting the fool Butterbumps to sing loudly so the spies can't hear, she extracts from Sansa the information she needs: that Joff is a monster who had her beaten by the Kingsguard.

The reaction: "That's a pity." Even Margaery seems nonplussed. Which makes me thinks they've got a way out planned. I wonder what it could be.

Anyway, the Tyrells also plan to marry Sansa to their crippled but kind son. Which doesn't sound too bad compared to being stuck at King's Landing and tormented by Lannisters.

ASoS 5: Davos 67

Davos survived the green fire and Tyrion's chain after falling off his ship by swimming under the water. He ended up washed up on a rocky outcrop. He was ready to give up on life, since his sons are all dead as far as he knows, and he spends most of the chapter in various states of nearly dying. Then he decided that Melisandre and her weird magic and her god are probably to blame for all this bad luck. Now he has a purpose, presumably to kill her. A passing ship comes to the rescue, and luckily for him it is crewed by men loyal to Stannis.

ASoS 4: Tyrion 53

Tyrion makes it out of bed, finally. Bronn still seems loyal to him. He's now Ser Bronn. After getting up to date, Tyrion goes to moan at his father who does not seem sufficiently grateful to Tyrion for saving the city.

Tywin appears to know most of what Tyrion has done but isn't that impressed. When Tyrion asks to be Tywin's heir and inherit Casterly Rock (Jaime apparently can't since he's a kingsguard), Tywin says no. Tyrion might have low cunning but he sleeps with too many whores and anyway he's too ugly and deformed. It seems a bit harsh to begrudge him the whores, and anyway is it such a big deal with everything else the gentry of Westeros get up to?

ASoS 3: Arya 43

Arya, Hot Pie and Gendry are heading north on horses to Riverrun. Hot Pie does not travel well. They assume they are being chased. Eventually they sleep and Arya now gets the benefit of Bran's dream powers. As her wolf she kills their pursuers, so that's handy.

Presumably at some point Arya will meet up with her wolf again.

We don't learn much else. Gendry knows who Arya really is but Hot Pie does not. He's even surprised she can read.

ASoS 2: Catelyn 33

Catelyn's release of Jaime was not exactly authorised by the powers that be, so she's in the doghouse and confined to her father's solar. This seems a bit odd since the powers that be are her son, but he's not around to sort things out.

She first learns that Tyrion is no longer the hand, which is a bit of a problem for her plan since he's the only one she thinks would actually release her daughters. She also knows that Ser Robin is after Jaime, so she's watching anxiously to see if he returns. We already know he won't, of course, at least not with Jaime.

When Edmure returns from battle she learns that he's told Roose Bolton to look for Jaime, which is another worry. On the other hand perhaps this will distract Bolton from Arya's disappearance.

Her father mumbles something about Tansy, from which she deduces that he got Jon Arryn to marry Lysa in return for Tully alliance, which Catelyn sees as a huge wrong even though that seems to be par for the course amongst the Westeros gentry.

She also learns that Robb is injured in battle, but it's only a minor injury. He's probably only lost an arm or a leg, then.