Tyrion finds Cersei hanging out with young Ser Lancel. I keep getting him mixed up with Loras the Flower knight. Lancel is another enormous dick in the Theon/Joffrey mould.
Tyrion tells Cersei that Stannis has sailed, which scares her to death until she finds out he's attacking Renly. They all have a good laugh about how the Baratheon brothers are fighting each other instead of attacking the Lannisters. Which is pretty stupid but I'm sure the Lannisters won't be getting the last laugh.
They drink to Renly's and Stannis' health but Tyrion puts something in Cersei's drink that gives her the runs so that he can sit on the throne for a day while she sits on her other throne. He has a pretty busy day: he sends Cleos back to Riverrun with all of Cersei's soldiers, along with some secret agents who are going to try to rescue Jaime; he tries to help Ser Alliser of The Watch by letting him have some men from the dungeons (but Alliser is peeved no-one believes him about the zombies); he disappoints Littlefinger about sending Myrcella to Lysa (because Pycelle leaked that she was going to the Prince of Dorne to marry his son) which presumably means Littlefinger won't be getting Harenhall; and he pays a visit to Pycelle to have Shagga give him a close shave and throw him in the dungeon.
Pycelle summarises a lot of stuff: it was Pycelle who got mad king Aerys to open his gates to that Robert could attack and Jaime kill him; and a squire called Hugh (the one GREGOR killed in the tourney) poisoned Jon Arryn because Cersei wanted him dead because Arryn found out about the Jaime/Cersei incest/bastard-making.
Shagga wins the chapter with the line: "Once I cut off a man's head, but he did no know it until he tried to brush his hair. Then it fell off."
